Tell me why when the sun does come out does my body reject being in it. Somehow my body has got out of sync with night and day without doing anything. I suppose it is just one of those things that you get used to. But I suck at that, my brain is always telling me that I am fine and that I can do anything. Then reality hits but my brain will not listen. It is a strange feeling trying to prove your brain wrong, telling myself I can’t do something is the opposite to how I have lived my life. In other words it feels massively wrong and I hate it and me for being ill. Today’s plan is to get outside in the sun and try to get some rays in my life. Not to be overrun by thoughts of exercise or work and all that stress. To live here with my little moments with the precious things that make my small world wonderful, my wife and my little baby girl. Just need to get out of bed 😀
It has been a hard last week with doctors and being ill at the same time. On the lighter side of life the weather has been better which helps. So I have been trying to find ways of getting through the day, filling my time. It is not easy as I find it hard to concentrate and I am uncomfortable and tired. YouTube, the news, films, online surveys and competitions have all played there part. Not that I win anything, but better to be in it than not is my reasoning. I also have a couple of apps that send me tasks in the local area. Some are for at home and make my day even for a short while exciting and interesting. The best one is clic and walk as it is short and easy to follow. I am pondering recording vlogs for YouTube but I think better of it as my consistenticy is lacking with the ups and downs at the moment. But alas the day is new, today’s target is to get out of the house for a small walk and see the sun.
Here is a picture of my little girl joining me on the sofa for some cuddles and making my day 😀
Today I thought I would watch the finish of the Tour De Yorkshire in Scarborough, UK. But my body has had other ideas whilst walking down to the finish, luckily my family has rented an apartment nearby for the bank holiday weekend so I have come back to sit and rest. It is really amazing how I can be happy and have energy and then walk into one busy place and be overloaded. I have spent my life enjoying new things, going places and meeting people. To have a condition which seems to hate all of these really gets to me on days like this. I know it’s not the condition but sometimes it really does feel personal and that I should live in a box away from everyone. At least I recognised my body kicking into fight mode and was able to walk back without the legs giving way. It’s been a hard this last week as I have struggled with most days doing anything. That’s what really gets to me, if you look at inputs vs outputs it is really an unfair equation with CFS. On the bright side I am going to rest up, and hopefully be able to get outside to watch the finish from a distance. Although my body might not like it my mind does like watching and enjoying a good old race with lots of people about. There is nothing to do but pull back in situations like this, someone said to me it is avoidance. Which I think is wrong as you have little choice in the matter and either way is a loosing path, catch 22. The main focus for me is to recognise the cause, pull back from it, have a break and then hopefully retry. It’s not guaranteed to work as sometimes it is impossible to get your energy back as I don’t run with much at the moment. I would like to see how others struggle with these days, and especially food. I am healthy with my food but naturally on these types of days I retreat to fatty and salty based foods. So anyway hopefully I can turn the day around and get back outside. Good thing I have YouTube and TV to keep me occupied, not like I haven’t watched any of that over the last 5 months! 😀